I saw the expensive Jalop car ever

Last March I drove my faithfully leaky 1984 Mercedes 300SD 1,000 miles to the Amelia island Concours. The highlight of the festivities for me was the Gooding collector car auction. Most people were salivating over Seinfield's Porsche cast offs, but I fell head over heels in love with something I didn't expect. Yes, this 1931 Duesenberg Model J "disappearing top" is the most expensive Jalop car ever. Here's why.

The Duesenberg was the first American car you could Hoon. While the Ford Model A of the same year put out 40 Horsepower, the Model J had a race inspired straight 8 making 265! This meant a Duesenberg could cruise comfortably at triple digit speeds. With skinny tires, non-existent brakes or safety features, driving this car anywhere near the limit on public roads was suicidal. It was the original gangster of Hoon-mobiles. You can bet Jay Gatsby would have discovered the joys of drifting, burnouts, and other lawless hooning activities with these powerful beasts. 

When you ordered this car from Duesenberg, they delivered you a magnificent power plant mounted to a long chassis with wheels tires and brakes. The only thing missing was the body. This would set you back $8500, in today's dollars the price of a complete Viper ACR. You bought the car with the intent on spending at least another $5000 for a custom coach builder to hand craft a body for your needs. Want a Duesey shooting brake? No problem!  

With each Duesenberg body being built to order, no two were the same. Many were built as opulent limousines, the aristocratic owners never intending on driving them, but some sexy drop tops were made, and I was lucky enough to see one in person, but not in the condition you would expect. 

The leather interior was badly weathered, looking just like Robert Redford's face. The paint job resembled the quality of a Maaco $199 Ambassador service, making it a real deal 20 footer. It was presented on a bright white elevated platform, perfect for showcasing the Duesey's oil leak. 

The car was so Jalop I could barely contain myself. It exceeded its low auction estimate, selling for $2.64 million, making it the most expensive Jalop car ever. If the new owner happens to read this, would you mind uploading a burnout video? 

I bought a 2007 S600 biturbo for $4500

For those of you who haven't read my introductory post, here it is, but to sum it up: I'm an idiot who owns a revolving fleet of several cheap old luxury cars, regularly facing financial ruin keeping them running.

I've always been a fan of this idea frequently posted by Tavarish. For the price of a soulless new econobox, you could buy this heavily depreciated luxury super saloon. This particular column LINK  describes a V12 bi-turbo Mercedes S65 AMG with 100,000 miles for $20,000. Forget that with as much tech as the space shuttle, you're playing warning light roulette with every turn of the key. Any rational thought goes out the window with one stat: 737 foot pounds of torque. Very few cars can top 737 torques, and they don't include any Ferrari or Lamborghini. To think a car only bested by a Veyron or  Koenigsegg can be bought for less than a new Corolla is lunacy. While it's a fun idea, you rarely see anyone brave or stupid enough to actually try it out. This is where my bravery and stupidity comes in. 

Several months back, I decided I needed a V12 in my life. Mercedes has always been my favorite marque and I lusted for the Boeing jumbo jet level or torque.  I dismissed the 220 chassis S-Class (2000-2006) because of the underwhelming styling, cheap looking interior and horrific quality. Due to poor paint bonding, the 220 S-class is just as susceptible to rust as the Yugo. Mercedes dealer technicians are often left scratching their heads when diagnosing the hilariously named ABC hydraulic suspension. I could go on, but Tavarish covered it pretty well here with his daily driver. (Here's Everthing that's wrong with my $3000 Daily Driven S-Class)

Tavarish's Masterpiece

The next generation S class (221 chassis) solved these issues by refining the suspension, upped quality control, and a sexy design with fat wheel arches. Those were out of my budget. That's why I decided to go old school, the 140 S-class, which ceased production in 1999. Despite the older V12s not having twin turbos or ridiculous torque figures, they still had great power, and behind the wheel you look like a very important fascist dictator. The problem was finding one. 

I tend to believe people are inherently good, but become supervillains when trying to sell an old European car. Suddenly they lose their memories of the numerous leaks creating an abstract painting on their garage floor and their dog eats the 5 figure repair estimate they were given after their last regular service. They will do anything to desperately pass their turd on to someone else. You're only weapon against this is a pre-purchase inspection. Often threatening one is enough for the truth to come out. You find out the reason it's only driven to church on Sundays is because it doesn't start the other 6 days of the week.

With low production numbers, advancing age and neglectful owners, finding a nice example of a late 90's S600 was proving impossible. Then I stumbled upon a Christmas miracle.

"2007 S600, 149,XXX miles, $10,000 OBO. Car got hot and died now it cranks but wont start. I started taking apart to run compression but don't have the time. Car is in great shape with pano roof." 

Wow, I thought, a cheap bi-turbo V12 and it was only a few hours away from me! I look up the cost of a used motor and I overheated myself. $6000-$8000. Yup, you could get a beater Honda S2000 for the same price as a motor. At the asking price and used motor cost, you would invest $20,000 in a car worth $15,000 finished. 

Because I was curious an idiot, I started chatting with the seller anyway.  It was his father's long distance commuter car, explaining the high mileage. It started leaking coolant and his son decided patching the radiator on a Mercedes with a new MSRP of $140,000 was a good idea. This failed catastrophically and boat anchored the 505HP V12. After getting a laugh out loud ridiculous quote to fix the car, the owner decided to go for a new S-class and left his son the task of selling the lump.

I started the negotiations by doing the math I mentioned previously with his asking price. He replied being "very open to offers", but stated the panoramic roof assemblies are selling for $3000 and door skins for $400 a piece. He was aware of the significant parts value . I decided to offer a little above the two parts he quoted.... $4000. Worst he could say is no, right? He countered at $5000! Thank goodness this conversation was over email because there was no keeping a poker face at that price. Because of my years of experience negotiating in the car business I'm an asshole, I went for an extra $500 off, and he quickly agreed. I wasted no time borrowing my buddy's trailer and trekking to Grove, Oklahoma to grab it.

Loading the car was interesting. The car has a tiny electronic column mounted shifter, with no way to engage neutral without battery power. The battery still had some juice, but was weak from sitting for a month. Every time it started to go flat, the shifter defaulted to park and engaged the brakes. I didn't know this information until I attempted to load the S600 with the winch. To my amazement the S600 did its best impression of a stubborn mule, not budging as the 2,000 pound trailer and my 6,000 pound truck started dragging backward.

Eventually I got it loaded and made the 200 mile trip home, with my nose heavy load testing the maximum towing capacity of my 2015 GMC Sierra. It felt like I was towing the space shuttle, especially on braking. My friend, who I borrowed the trailer from, informed me after the fact that the trailer brakes weren't functional...

So just in time for Christmas, I was left with the most beautiful lawn ornament anyone has ever seen. Stay tuned for my next S600 installment, describing the process of assessing the car, getting it back on the road, and living the Jalopnik wet dream of owning a luxury V12 Supersaloon on an Econobox budget.

I would like to introduce myself to the Jalopnik community not as a car enthusiast, not a collector, flipper, or even just a car guy. I'm all of those things, but at my core I'm best described as a motor masochist. Not to be confused with sexual attraction to cars known as Mechanophilia, rather I seem to enjoy the pain caused by overwhelming myself in every way possible with cars. I'm the dude with a ball gag in his mouth chained to a wall being whipped for pleasure, only the ball gag is my checkbook and the whip is my  revolving fleet of interesting PITA cars. I've been on this ride for over a decade, owned hundreds of hoopties, learning more about cheap old vehicles than probably anyone else in the world, and I'm not proud of it. 

For a time I thought my disorder could be put to use making a living. After years in the car business selling cars my soul for a $200 commission, I had enough experience and confidence to open my own dealership. It started off well enough, but I eventually became the Tony Montana of cheap used cars. Like an addict coke dealer, I began using too much of my own shit. I would buy something, or 10 somethings, just for me to drive personally. 

Obviously having 10 personal cars and maybe 3.5 cars for sale posed some financial difficulty. Couple that with other examples of my disorder including:

-Putting Michelin tires on everything, even a $900 Buick Reatta. Every one of my personal cars Hoopties had to be perfect, cost be damned.

-Pressure flushing coolant on Cadillac Northstar engines to see if the head gaskets were weak (breaking them half the time). I did tons of unnecessary reconditioning.

-Having a hard time saying no to any European car in the bank repossession lane at the dealer auction (Nevermind it's leaking every fluid imaginable and, who could say no to a running 1998 BMW 750IL for $500???!!!) My roadside assistance provider and I became good friends. 

Clearly I wasn't going to make much of a living, so I closed my doors at the end of 2014 and started a different business totally unrelated to cars. It's been going well, but my motor masochism shows no signs of subsiding. This brings me to my current fleet, which if Jalopnik is cruel enough to enable my mental disorder, I will expand upon in future posts. For now I'll limit the description to the confines of a tweet.

1985 Mercedes 500SL: The most expensive gift ever that started the madness. Given to me by my grandmother as a first car and I spent over $20,000 to drive it 30,000 miles in 15 years.

1984 Mercedes 300SD: I own the nicest one in the world and its the fucking hydra of leaks. Fix one leak 2 more take its place. It's like a humpy dog that never got neutered, marking its territory everywhere it goes.

1980 Mercedes 240D: Manual everything. EMP proof. Cockroach of the roads. Sold it 5 years ago in perfect condition, bought it back because I felt sorry for it. Paid a grand for it, spent another grand shipping and $4000 restoring a car, Worth maybe $4000 now. This is a before pic.

2000 ML55 AMG: I let my girlfriend drive it. Stays at her shitty apartment and gets repeatedly vandalized because its the only Mercedes there. I keep fixing it.

2001 CLK55 AMG: It's a Mad Max story: I Hoon, it breaks, I fix it again, I Hoon.

2007 S600 V12 Biturbo: Purchased with a melted motor and 600 other things wrong. Only 152,000 original miles. Back on the road!

1978 Lincoln Continental Town Coupe: Was a mint car until an engine fire happened about an hour after I got it. AS-IS. All sales final.

1986 Porsche 944 Turbo: Purchased in a thousand worthless pieces for $4000. This is my latest revival project wallet drain.

If I were suddenly cured of my disease and able to unload my fleet, I could easily clear $60,000. That would buy me something like a new M2, CLK63 Black Series, Ferrari 360, DB9, and save thousands a year compared to the cost of maintaining a fleet of misfits. Unfortunately for me they haven't found the right mix of medication yet. Welcome to the madness.