I would like to introduce myself to the Jalopnik community not as a car enthusiast, not a collector, flipper, or even just a car guy. I'm all of those things, but at my core I'm best described as a motor masochist. Not to be confused with sexual attraction to cars known as Mechanophilia, rather I seem to enjoy the pain caused by overwhelming myself in every way possible with cars. I'm the dude with a ball gag in his mouth chained to a wall being whipped for pleasure, only the ball gag is my checkbook and the whip is my  revolving fleet of interesting PITA cars. I've been on this ride for over a decade, owned hundreds of hoopties, learning more about cheap old vehicles than probably anyone else in the world, and I'm not proud of it. 

For a time I thought my disorder could be put to use making a living. After years in the car business selling cars my soul for a $200 commission, I had enough experience and confidence to open my own dealership. It started off well enough, but I eventually became the Tony Montana of cheap used cars. Like an addict coke dealer, I began using too much of my own shit. I would buy something, or 10 somethings, just for me to drive personally. 

Obviously having 10 personal cars and maybe 3.5 cars for sale posed some financial difficulty. Couple that with other examples of my disorder including:

-Putting Michelin tires on everything, even a $900 Buick Reatta. Every one of my personal cars Hoopties had to be perfect, cost be damned.

-Pressure flushing coolant on Cadillac Northstar engines to see if the head gaskets were weak (breaking them half the time). I did tons of unnecessary reconditioning.

-Having a hard time saying no to any European car in the bank repossession lane at the dealer auction (Nevermind it's leaking every fluid imaginable and, who could say no to a running 1998 BMW 750IL for $500???!!!) My roadside assistance provider and I became good friends. 

Clearly I wasn't going to make much of a living, so I closed my doors at the end of 2014 and started a different business totally unrelated to cars. It's been going well, but my motor masochism shows no signs of subsiding. This brings me to my current fleet, which if Jalopnik is cruel enough to enable my mental disorder, I will expand upon in future posts. For now I'll limit the description to the confines of a tweet.

1985 Mercedes 500SL: The most expensive gift ever that started the madness. Given to me by my grandmother as a first car and I spent over $20,000 to drive it 30,000 miles in 15 years.

1984 Mercedes 300SD: I own the nicest one in the world and its the fucking hydra of leaks. Fix one leak 2 more take its place. It's like a humpy dog that never got neutered, marking its territory everywhere it goes.

1980 Mercedes 240D: Manual everything. EMP proof. Cockroach of the roads. Sold it 5 years ago in perfect condition, bought it back because I felt sorry for it. Paid a grand for it, spent another grand shipping and $4000 restoring a car, Worth maybe $4000 now. This is a before pic.

2000 ML55 AMG: I let my girlfriend drive it. Stays at her shitty apartment and gets repeatedly vandalized because its the only Mercedes there. I keep fixing it.

2001 CLK55 AMG: It's a Mad Max story: I Hoon, it breaks, I fix it again, I Hoon.

2007 S600 V12 Biturbo: Purchased with a melted motor and 600 other things wrong. Only 152,000 original miles. Back on the road!

1978 Lincoln Continental Town Coupe: Was a mint car until an engine fire happened about an hour after I got it. AS-IS. All sales final.

1986 Porsche 944 Turbo: Purchased in a thousand worthless pieces for $4000. This is my latest revival project wallet drain.

If I were suddenly cured of my disease and able to unload my fleet, I could easily clear $60,000. That would buy me something like a new M2, CLK63 Black Series, Ferrari 360, DB9, and save thousands a year compared to the cost of maintaining a fleet of misfits. Unfortunately for me they haven't found the right mix of medication yet. Welcome to the madness.